As I reread Kingsolver's words on the loss of focus on the home, I contemplate the sacrifices my family and I will make if I go to work full-time. I haven't even been hired, but I already miss the time spent with my children and in my home. I estimated that working full-time will allow me 4 to 5 busy hours to spend with my children a day amidst cooking, cleaning, and errands. Reef is not two or even three yet. I've never been an advocate of daycare, but the need for more income and health insurance has been pressing on us for months. Obama's new healthcare plan, if it passes through the hoops and materializes, may help us out a bit as far as healthcare is concerned; but with all the modifications and compromises that will have to be made for it to pass, we may still fall through the cracks of bureaucracy.
Then there is another side to my inner-conflict, and it's not money. There's me. I'm almost 40, and I've spent the majority of my adult years raising kids and working part-time. Sometimes I feel so completely desperate and frustrated that I want to do something drastic. There are days when I can't bear to wash the dishes for the millionth time or try to console another crying, screaming child. There are days when I feel like everything is so out of control that the whole family would be better off if I was not entirely in charge of its maintenance. As a mom and a housekeeper, my job is never done, and somehow my time never seems as important as anyone else's time. I definitely have more help from my husband than I did with my first marriage but still seems like it is not enough. I can barely get my husband and teenage son to help with the housework. They detest the drudgery and they don't seem to be able to realize that I detest it too. I realize that none of us should detest it. We should take pride in making our home a cleaner, more welcome place to retreat.
It just seems like everything takes so much time. If I really want to be a freelance writer that takes time. My husband insists on his time to devote to writing. Why don't I? I feel like all these other things MUST be done. I am expected to devote time to everyone and everything, and I feel so scattered and never truly able to focus and succeed at anything. At times, a full-time job seems like a logical answer to all this. But there are only so many hours in a day, if I am not able to accomplish my personal goals now, how will I do it with a full-time job. If I fully enter the workforce, will my husband and son feel compelled to help out more at home? Or is this gender-role based division of labor so ingrained in our culture that changing it is as slow going as eroding mountains?
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I thought that,if I worked full-time, my husband would help more at home. Especially since I was nursing 12 hours or more every time. Part of that time I was even working nights so that, when I wasn't at work, I had to flip-flop my sleep around (usually losing about a day a week).
ReplyDeleteBut it didn't work. In fact, after trying out full-time nights, full-time days and,finally, 5 days a week full time hours; I felt only drained and taken advantage of. Some men just don't feed the kids like we do. They don't care if they have socks in 21 degrees or jackets. I was angrier every day when I would come home and see that my 1 and 7 year old weren't even fed yet at 7 in the evening. Forget about me eating or putting my feet up! HA! First I had to cook and clean everything. Then, still in my scrubs at nearly midnight, my husband wanted sex. How can a woman have a full-time career, still be the caretaker of the home and then have the energy,much less the desire, to carry on any intimacy at all?
After feeling completely alienated and exhausted, my marriage ended in a tragic divorce. I still work but I have a partner who is extremely helpful (so far).
Those of us who started families early and then went for round two have never given ourselves a chance for self discovery. We have always been mothers, wives, students... something with ties.
I think you can work. But don't expect the husband to step right in. It may happen gradually with a lot of work and patience. Instead, maybe allocate a little money for a housekeeper. It will be coming from both of your pockets'. Seems silly to pay so that you can work. But, believe me, it is worth it to keep the family together. You'll need that bit of time to be quality, relaxing time!