Recently, a friend of mine used the word "serene" when describing motherhood. She longs to be in my shoes (She doesn't realize how big my shoes are! I wear a size 10.5). But, really, when she said it, that word knocked me over in a fit of laughter; meanwhile, my 19-month-old was crawling into the fireplace. I assured her there was nothing serene about motherhood as my 3-year-old started screaming and crying because her chimney sweep brother, dusted in ashes from head to toe, had launched a hostile takeover of her Dora the Explorer trike. Remember not to call it a mere bicycle or tricycle. It must be called a Dora the Explorer tricycle or there will be protests and one will be reprimanded.
Yes, there are moments of serenity--like when they are sleeping, which actually at this moment as I write is being broken by the cries of Reef, my 19-month-old who wakes up in the middle of the night from time to time. Christmas morning was also rather serene. There were new toys everywhere to distract them and chocolate for them to pop into their mouths much faster than I could cook breakfast.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Part-time Versus Full-Time
As I reread Kingsolver's words on the loss of focus on the home, I contemplate the sacrifices my family and I will make if I go to work full-time. I haven't even been hired, but I already miss the time spent with my children and in my home. I estimated that working full-time will allow me 4 to 5 busy hours to spend with my children a day amidst cooking, cleaning, and errands. Reef is not two or even three yet. I've never been an advocate of daycare, but the need for more income and health insurance has been pressing on us for months. Obama's new healthcare plan, if it passes through the hoops and materializes, may help us out a bit as far as healthcare is concerned; but with all the modifications and compromises that will have to be made for it to pass, we may still fall through the cracks of bureaucracy.
Then there is another side to my inner-conflict, and it's not money. There's me. I'm almost 40, and I've spent the majority of my adult years raising kids and working part-time. Sometimes I feel so completely desperate and frustrated that I want to do something drastic. There are days when I can't bear to wash the dishes for the millionth time or try to console another crying, screaming child. There are days when I feel like everything is so out of control that the whole family would be better off if I was not entirely in charge of its maintenance. As a mom and a housekeeper, my job is never done, and somehow my time never seems as important as anyone else's time. I definitely have more help from my husband than I did with my first marriage but still seems like it is not enough. I can barely get my husband and teenage son to help with the housework. They detest the drudgery and they don't seem to be able to realize that I detest it too. I realize that none of us should detest it. We should take pride in making our home a cleaner, more welcome place to retreat.
It just seems like everything takes so much time. If I really want to be a freelance writer that takes time. My husband insists on his time to devote to writing. Why don't I? I feel like all these other things MUST be done. I am expected to devote time to everyone and everything, and I feel so scattered and never truly able to focus and succeed at anything. At times, a full-time job seems like a logical answer to all this. But there are only so many hours in a day, if I am not able to accomplish my personal goals now, how will I do it with a full-time job. If I fully enter the workforce, will my husband and son feel compelled to help out more at home? Or is this gender-role based division of labor so ingrained in our culture that changing it is as slow going as eroding mountains?
Then there is another side to my inner-conflict, and it's not money. There's me. I'm almost 40, and I've spent the majority of my adult years raising kids and working part-time. Sometimes I feel so completely desperate and frustrated that I want to do something drastic. There are days when I can't bear to wash the dishes for the millionth time or try to console another crying, screaming child. There are days when I feel like everything is so out of control that the whole family would be better off if I was not entirely in charge of its maintenance. As a mom and a housekeeper, my job is never done, and somehow my time never seems as important as anyone else's time. I definitely have more help from my husband than I did with my first marriage but still seems like it is not enough. I can barely get my husband and teenage son to help with the housework. They detest the drudgery and they don't seem to be able to realize that I detest it too. I realize that none of us should detest it. We should take pride in making our home a cleaner, more welcome place to retreat.
It just seems like everything takes so much time. If I really want to be a freelance writer that takes time. My husband insists on his time to devote to writing. Why don't I? I feel like all these other things MUST be done. I am expected to devote time to everyone and everything, and I feel so scattered and never truly able to focus and succeed at anything. At times, a full-time job seems like a logical answer to all this. But there are only so many hours in a day, if I am not able to accomplish my personal goals now, how will I do it with a full-time job. If I fully enter the workforce, will my husband and son feel compelled to help out more at home? Or is this gender-role based division of labor so ingrained in our culture that changing it is as slow going as eroding mountains?
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Some Quotes from Barbara Kingsolver's Animal, Vegetable, Miracle
"When we traded homemaking for careers, we were implicitly promised economic independence and worldly influence. But a devil of a bargain it has turned out to be in terms of daily life. We gave up the aroma of warm bread rising, the measured pace of nurturing routines, the creative task of molding our families' taste and zest for life: we received in exchange the minivan and the Lunchable. (Or worse, convenience -mart hot dogs and latchkey kids.) I consider it the great hoodwink of my generation."
--Barbara Kingsolver, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle page 127
Great hoodwink is right in so many ways. More later.
--Barbara Kingsolver, Animal, Vegetable, Miracle page 127
Great hoodwink is right in so many ways. More later.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Fired for Pumping
I can't believe the Ohio Supreme Court decided in favor of Isotoner!
http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/feature/2009/08/28/fired_for_pumping/
It's just more proof that true support for mothers, especially working mothers, is a joke in our country. Isotoner wanted this woman to go 5 hours between pumping. Everyone who has breastfed knows that if you pump infrequently, you will dry up--not to mention the other side effects like leaking breasts. Pumping is not exactly a joy either. What about the smokers and their cigarette breaks? It's okay to go outside, chat in groups, and slowly kill yourselves, but it's wrong to provide your infant, the future of our nation, with the best possible nourishment on the planet. Oh, but breastfeeding does not fall under pregnancy rights. Why do we have to have separate categorized rights to acknowledge what our bodies do naturally. What was her true crime? How do pump breaks prevent her from doing her job. Did it somehow make the efficiency ratios slightly off? I say America's values are all screwed up. They're based on the true God of our country, money.
Another thing that I'd like to say is that other women who have not breastfed or who have chosen to sacrifice family for a career have little to no empathy for women who believe that offspring are a priority. Three of the judges on that Ohio Supreme Court were women. I bet none of them breastfed their children, if they had any. When is our nation going to get over the 1950s? The majority of mothers work outside of the home. For most Americans, it is not feasible for one parent to stay home full time, especially with all the single-parent families that exist today.
American women, whether they are mothers or not, need to stand up against judgments like these. We need to demand the respect and privilege we deserve for motherhood. Humanity depends on mothers. Yes, we are just as smart and capable as men, but, yes, we are different. We produce the future of nations. Shouldn't America's quest to be the best start from the very beginning, in utero. Shouldn't women be praised instead of fired for providing the best for their children. And when I say best, I don't mean the best that money provides. I mean the best of ourselves: love, nurturing, time, discipline, and, yes, of course, breastmilk if possible.
The apathy,stubbornness, and blindness of Americans is flabbergasting. It's gone on too long. We women have to take the time to be informed and to speak up. We must band together in a sisterhood. We must be the examples for future generations.
I'm ready to do something. Is anyone else out there ready?
http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/feature/2009/08/28/fired_for_pumping/
It's just more proof that true support for mothers, especially working mothers, is a joke in our country. Isotoner wanted this woman to go 5 hours between pumping. Everyone who has breastfed knows that if you pump infrequently, you will dry up--not to mention the other side effects like leaking breasts. Pumping is not exactly a joy either. What about the smokers and their cigarette breaks? It's okay to go outside, chat in groups, and slowly kill yourselves, but it's wrong to provide your infant, the future of our nation, with the best possible nourishment on the planet. Oh, but breastfeeding does not fall under pregnancy rights. Why do we have to have separate categorized rights to acknowledge what our bodies do naturally. What was her true crime? How do pump breaks prevent her from doing her job. Did it somehow make the efficiency ratios slightly off? I say America's values are all screwed up. They're based on the true God of our country, money.
Another thing that I'd like to say is that other women who have not breastfed or who have chosen to sacrifice family for a career have little to no empathy for women who believe that offspring are a priority. Three of the judges on that Ohio Supreme Court were women. I bet none of them breastfed their children, if they had any. When is our nation going to get over the 1950s? The majority of mothers work outside of the home. For most Americans, it is not feasible for one parent to stay home full time, especially with all the single-parent families that exist today.
American women, whether they are mothers or not, need to stand up against judgments like these. We need to demand the respect and privilege we deserve for motherhood. Humanity depends on mothers. Yes, we are just as smart and capable as men, but, yes, we are different. We produce the future of nations. Shouldn't America's quest to be the best start from the very beginning, in utero. Shouldn't women be praised instead of fired for providing the best for their children. And when I say best, I don't mean the best that money provides. I mean the best of ourselves: love, nurturing, time, discipline, and, yes, of course, breastmilk if possible.
The apathy,stubbornness, and blindness of Americans is flabbergasting. It's gone on too long. We women have to take the time to be informed and to speak up. We must band together in a sisterhood. We must be the examples for future generations.
I'm ready to do something. Is anyone else out there ready?
Saturday, December 5, 2009
My Mission
What is this journal for? To hash out ideas on new societal values for men and women in the family, to shout out to the world that being a mom is tough and such a sacrifice, to say there is more to me than clapping for successful peepees on the potty and cleaning up the endless messes of two adorable toddlers. I love them so dearly. I love my husband and my older children too. But so often I feel as if I'm drowning in all their needs. I don't want to spend all my precious hours mopping floors, washing dishes, making meals, shopping for groceries, picking up toys, cleaning toilets, washing windows, dusting cobwebs from corners, folding clothes, organizing clothes, organizing anything, cleaning anything.
I want to read and write, hike and bike, travel, swim, create, create, create. I want to show them the world, teach them the beauty of life and their abc's. I want to watch movies and attend plays. There is so much more that I want to do with my days.
I want to see humans evolve as a species, expressing genes of altruism, cooperation, consideration.
I want to read and write, hike and bike, travel, swim, create, create, create. I want to show them the world, teach them the beauty of life and their abc's. I want to watch movies and attend plays. There is so much more that I want to do with my days.
I want to see humans evolve as a species, expressing genes of altruism, cooperation, consideration.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Why Is It So Hard This Time?!
Sometimes I feel so trapped, like I just can't stand it anymore. I don't want to hear another screaming, crying, whining kid tell me no. No, I don't want to wear socks when it is 21 degrees outside. No, I don't want to eat the oatmeal that I loved two seconds ago. No, I don't want to use the potty. I want to use the carpet in the bedroom for a litter box. And then, there's the "mommy, mommy, mommy." Day and night. I'm not supposed to leave the room, let alone go to work for a few hours. I know they love me so much, and I love them more than anything or anyone, but often they drive me absolutely hair-pulling, dish-smashing, run away nuts!
Is this normal? Or is it the result of having a second set of kids later in life? I had my first two in my early twenties. Now, I have remarried in my late 30's and had a second set. I don't remember the my older son and daughter getting on my nerves this much. I didn't work part-time then either. I feel so guilty about it all.
Is this normal? Or is it the result of having a second set of kids later in life? I had my first two in my early twenties. Now, I have remarried in my late 30's and had a second set. I don't remember the my older son and daughter getting on my nerves this much. I didn't work part-time then either. I feel so guilty about it all.
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